Number Crunching

Number crunching , calculations , permutation and combunations , data mining , above all tension, anxiety - i will describe my past few days like this only. one question in my mind...... can i take this ne more? I hope i can, but my mind doesnt want to. it bloody goddamn tired. i should have been sad today. Man Utd lost on the FA Cup finals. But i am not. i am not affected. this is the last thing i want, i just dont myself to be cut off from the world. i wanna go out n have fun. My idea of fun may not going to an expensive bar and drink a lot (cant even afford it) or go to a very busy place... i just want to have some peace. just give time to myself, reflect upon my actions. a lot many things are on my mind rite now. I wanna find solutions to them, but just cant seem to find time. I need space. My space, I need to talk to myself, or else i am going down. it wont be too long that a tire out and lose everything.
lately, i am getting some information abt my frens. Holy Christ !!! they have become super human beings now. And when i look at myself, i pity myself. Where am I? who am i? i m nothing. wat have i done to my life. i need to grab it by the throat at put it right back on track. But i know, its not that easy, i need to fill the gigantic void. It will take massive time. But if i am able to fill it, the growth, i know, must be really intoxicating.... When that happens, i will know that my number crunching bore fruits !!!

Take care!!!

Bloody chicken pox

yaar, why does this happen ? i mean what is the purpose...... no no i am not down with chicken pox but my baby..... oh just cant look at agony. So much pain..... I mean why.... She just cant bear it.... Bullocks !!! Sorry for using shitty words today but that totally reflects my state of mind today.... ITS IN TURMOIL....... Never seen so much so bad..... I am in a crisis... I am mentally exhausted. To top it all, my 'strength' is struggling with her health. Oh my God !!! why do you do it? there must be some purpose. Do you want to make people strong. Are you sure you wanna do it ? I mean why we should be mentally strong ? do we even need to be strong. Human emotions as they say are very important. If we become so strong, would be need anyone else ? Aint it that we are already moving apart from each other. Remember the theory of 'BIG BANG' we have been taught. Is it applicable in real life too? I mean in human emotions. We are proud to be independent. But doesnt it bring with itself way too extra space that we actually need. Yes, agreed all of us need space. All of need our own time... But do we need it so much that we move apart from each other. And it all from being STRONGER....... Stronger in what sense ? Perhaps i am not in any mood to ponder over it in depth. so i leave it to you. Comments are invited....

PS - My PROBLEM remains unsolved. God knows when it will be solved (or get worsened) . But this is not on my mind now... Its only my baby.... Hey honey, you will get well soon....

Anxiety !!!

oh my god, this thing, this PROBLEM of mine is killing me. I am not being the same person I am. But, the time is near. I will know where i stand. It will be either a success or a grand failure. A failure which will be very hard to overcome. It will shake my roots, give a big jolt to me fro within, I will be shaken and stirred, Everything will be a mess, It will be the biggest loss i have ever had. But if i dont face it, i will be in a bigger problem. So part of me says to be brave and take everything on the chin, but other part of me is equally scared by the things which will come.
I dont want to face anything right now, I am just not ready or am I? I have multiple smaller issues. I would rather pay attention to them, But i just cant. This PROBLEM occupies my mind like the universe believed to be occupied by ether, I guess its only me who thinks too much about my PROBLEM. Actually, its not even a PROBLEM till now. But something inside me says that it going to be hell for me in coming times. Something inside me says to be prepared for the coming onslaught. Something inside me says to be ready for the biggest challenge of my life. And i am not too sure if i am that strong that i will overcome it and win the challenge. May be its the way of life. Maybe the God wants me to improve . Or is it me, who wants to be a better and stronger person. Lots of questions, but no answers.........

Another day passes by.......

we live in jet age.Time flies by. Everything happens too quickly, way too fast for someone's liking. Those who cant keep up with the pace lag behind. Or do they? let us look into the ways how slow(relatively) ppl can keep up with the times. First of all, Evryone should know his or her own limits. When you know your strengths and weaknesses, doesnt it become so much easier to live. We know wat we are capable of. We know wat we cant achieve. In my opinion its better to perform 100 % in a domain of 50 rather than 70% in a domain 0f 100. yes , you are relatively achieving more in the second case. but, the keyword is relatively. What does one want , one wants to be satisfied by quality or quantity. remember, percentage has an upper limit ( 100 % , Oh C'mon , be realistic, you can never perform more than that.) but the quantity hasnt. Ppl running after quantity suck.... there is always a better number to achieve...... So stop running after more and more in terms of number and start achieving your best. Dont you remember, ppl saying that they want to better themselves and not others. The gist is INCREASE YOUR OWN EFFICIENCY.

Now, we talk about the special case of achieving more than 100% . lets call it GOOGLE. when you GOOGLE, you are not achieving more than 100 %. Confused ? Not actually, what you are doing is increasing your domain. Thats the next stage of ' catching up with faster ppl '. The story of the rabbit and the tortoise. what did it teach us. wasnt it about EFFICIENCY. Was it about QUANTITY . So take your pick and act today for a better tomorrow.


PS - All the stuff written is my personal opinion. I dont want to offend anyone. Neither do i want or expect everyone to follow it.

Misunderstanding

Misunderstandings - Such a wonderful word. You say something else. They interpret something else. Doesnt it suck ? For wat you wasted ur resources for. For getting ill words thrown back at you. hahahaha!!! when this happens , A person seriously thinks of always keeping his knowledge and ideas to himself. But, this is certainly not the way the world sustains itself. You have to interact, give ideas, suggestions and also yelled back at. Ppl will continue to misunderstand you.

Chal yaar , koi nai. Yeh sab to laga rehta hai. I never wanted to take any sorta panga with neone. But ho gaya. Never felt like taking one. But ho gaya. Yeh, MISUNDERSTANDING hi sabki jar hai......

Neways will try to sort this out soon.....


Hey, Solved it. was pretty fast....... Hope the misunderstanding is over for ever,,,,,,,

Scared to death !!! Part 2

writing the prvious entry , i thought about the AD of a soft drink, "JHOOTH BOLTE HAI WOH JO KEHTE HAIN HAMEIN DARR NAHI LAGTA , SABKO DARR LAGTA HAI ". This is so very true. Evrybody is scared about something or other. Everybody has some insecurities. I have some. But currently, my PROBLEM is my biggest of them. God knows when it will be solved. I want all this to end now. But cant help the situation . I know it would be very long till my situation improves. So , i will be fighting till then.

Hey ppl, Please read MANUAL OF THE WARRIOR OF LIGHT. Its a wonderful book written by Paulo Coehlo. It says one fights because its one's duty to fight. And my duty now, is to fiht. NO OTHER DAMN OPTION.

Scared to death !!!

everybody has been scared at least once. But how to describe the feeling. When ppl say they are scared to death. what does it mean? Ask me. I am now scared to death. The PROBLEM worsens. hope it gets solved readily. This PROBLEM i cant solve. Only time. No one else can. I hope it gets solved. But i am scared . The feeling of the world around you crumbling is very bad. Your dreams , your expectations , evrything gets shattered. There is nothing left. Oh ..... this is the reason why people get scared. they dont want to see this aspect of life. But this is true. It happens to everybody. Everybody gets scared. Evrybody loses just for once. i have many times. But , this loss will be the biggest of them all. Nobody wil help me from getting out of it. Its me and me alone. But , will it be able to stop me? I dont know. But i know one thing that i will fight it . Not because i am a fighter but because i dont have any other option.